Ex-Gays

…can fuck off. I say this with all the love and compassion I can muster in my little queer heart. Ex-gays can fuck off.

I have no problem with ex-gay folks who are just, you know, not gay anymore, for whatever reason. I have no problem (okay, no huge problem) with religious folks who decide that since the Qur’an does not condone homosexuality, they must live celibate or straight lives. It upsets me, I think it’s foolish in a very this-world-is-going-to-suck-for-you-and-those-around-you sense. But to everyone their own religion and their own sexual preferences – who the hell am I?

BUT! – Those folks who think that since they are no ex-gay, have found the light, the rainbow, the pot, the gold, the whatever, they must come over to my world/life/blog/mobile phone/dinner party and tell me all the fuck about it? Those people can fuck off and take my dildo with them for assistance. Proselytizing about the merits of celibacy in the eyes of God, about how homosexuality is a test like so many tests Allah gives us (other tests you can pass, dumbass!) and about how, particularly, you are ruining your family and friends by being gay – these are things that I have no time for, no room for, no empathy for (and I’m full of fuckin empathy) and many bad bad words for.

I don’t go around proselytizing queerness or saying that everyone should be gay or that everyone should be lesbian except the men, who should be shot. I don’t exhort you kindly, dear reader, to see how lovely it is to lick pussy, just try it one time, you’ll like it, it’s like peaches. I don’t talk about how het sex and male penetration of a woman is a violation, inherently violent and oppressive, and you should realize every time you fuck your husband, girlie, that you’re bringing the sisterhood down.

Live your own damn life, and fuck off of mine.

This has been a reaction to several people saying shit, people privately directing me to ex-gay blogs recently and a general knowledge of gaymuslims dot org, which I don’t link to because they don’t bloody deserve a hat-tip. Got a crow-bar and a mean temper, though…

Okay, not really. I’m really short. I can’t take anyone. Bye.

Fear

Lovely is my girlfriend. Her family knows about us. Mine doesn’t, entirely – at least not the business end of my family, which is my dad. Soon we’ll be telling. And already the crap has begun to fly.

Aaj TV apparently showed a programme on how wrong homosexuality is and how homosexuals do not get relief or forgiveness from God in this world or the next (jannat o akhirat). And L. was asked by her family: why can’t you just try this marriage you’re in? Why do you have to do this? Do you know what our family’s going to say? Everyone will talk. What about your sisters?

The concern for the sisters, incidentally, is that no one will want to marry the sister of a lez.

Lucky for me I don’t have sisters and my dad isn’t religious. His arguments, when they come, will be more esoteric. Equally debilitating though.

So last night was a shitty night. We came home from her family’s place and attempted to have sex, collapsed in a fit of argh, had a mini-fight, cried a bit, managed to succeed in having sex, got a lot happier and went to sleep at 3:30 am.

And the questions raised were:

S, do you really want to do this? Because my family’s going to suck.

L, are you sure you can go through with this? Because your family’s going to suck.

L, my dad’s going to suck way worse.

S, they’re all going to try to flush us down the toilet.

And so it was. Today, she’s feeling generic fear and I’m pissed off and tense.  And we’re both shit scared of how big this is going to get.

Change of Status

And so it comes to pass that I can and should no longer use this forum to talk about everything in my private queery life. I am fully encoupled. And much shit is about to come down. And both mine and Lovely’s level of outness will change. And I’m afraid.

Should you be curious about my doubts and difficulties and internal dilemmas and any other D words regarding this relationship or anything else, shoot me an email or a comment and ask. Close friends will now find out about my brain matter through the traditional, tried and tested (other T words?) medium of email and IM.

Calling All Desi Queers!

Having spent some time hanging out with the mostly US feministie group, I gotta say – they’re great but have nothing much to do with us. I don’t know who us is – Pakistan, South Asia, Muslim, some combo – but it’s not them. It’s just a different world out here.

So where are you guys? Girls, more specifically, but I’ll take the guys. What are we talking about? What does queer even mean? Does someone have a definition? Because to me it’s more than an alternative sexuality. It’s a lot more.

And there needs to be conversation. There is already conversation in India, I know that. And there’s conversation off the internet, I’ve heard it. But let’s bring it online.

OR if it’s already online, tell me where it is. I’m quite tired of feeling so fucking useless. And I like to talk. Don’t you like to talk?

Question

Is the concept “internalized homophobia” relevant anymore? Is it talked about much in the American context? Is it useful in our context (Pakistan? Indian?) ? Discuss.