Lovely is my girlfriend. Her family knows about us. Mine doesn’t, entirely – at least not the business end of my family, which is my dad. Soon we’ll be telling. And already the crap has begun to fly.

Aaj TV apparently showed a programme on how wrong homosexuality is and how homosexuals do not get relief or forgiveness from God in this world or the next (jannat o akhirat). And L. was asked by her family: why can’t you just try this marriage you’re in? Why do you have to do this? Do you know what our family’s going to say? Everyone will talk. What about your sisters?

The concern for the sisters, incidentally, is that no one will want to marry the sister of a lez.

Lucky for me I don’t have sisters and my dad isn’t religious. His arguments, when they come, will be more esoteric. Equally debilitating though.

So last night was a shitty night. We came home from her family’s place and attempted to have sex, collapsed in a fit of argh, had a mini-fight, cried a bit, managed to succeed in having sex, got a lot happier and went to sleep at 3:30 am.

And the questions raised were:

S, do you really want to do this? Because my family’s going to suck.

L, are you sure you can go through with this? Because your family’s going to suck.

L, my dad’s going to suck way worse.

S, they’re all going to try to flush us down the toilet.

And so it was. Today, she’s feeling generic fear and I’m pissed off and tense.  And we’re both shit scared of how big this is going to get.

14 thoughts on “Fear

  1. Holy effing shit Summer. I don’t know what to say, but I do want to know how you’re doing, though you don’t know me from adam (or eve or paul or shagufta, for that matter). I know it’s not particularly useful to you, but I’m cheering for you and Lovely anyway.

  2. I am feeling the tension here, hope things work out for you both. Kudos to you for taking it up and coming out with it. Maybe it will be a boost to others. *fingers crossed…. and dupatta on head*

  3. Hey! I just wanted to wish you luck with this issue! I know how you must feel, I am very scared to tell my parents too! So I hope for the best for you and Lovely! :)

  4. You want the truth? It’ll get pretty big (emphasis on the “big”, and not the “pretty”). I really don’t like taking this stance, but something I’ve got to kind of put out there is the question: is the revelation angle of things really necessary? I ask not because I think you have anything to be ashamed of, but because there are certain…strictures, for lack of a better word, that will wind up becoming an issue. I also don’t know squat about your families, but I know that in mine at least, the issue–once broached–is never fully closed down. There’s a period of anger, of denial, of rapprochement, but you never actually wind up achieving any sort of closure in the sense of “this is who I am/we are, so deal with it”; it continues to rear its ugly head at the strangest times, in the oddest and most random ways.

    It’s something to think about, but if you want to talk or whatever, you have my number. Just call or text.

  5. Shit, you mean she’s getting divorced and going ahead with this? And in Pakistan? Wow, that must take a loooootttt of courage to do that.

    Anyway, I don’t know about your lifestyle and being gay and all, but considering where you live and the nature of our families and all, i think it is a big mistake. Sorry to rain on your parade like that, but, this is what I think.

    If I keep aside my views about it for a moment (cmon now, i know 99% of the heterosexual guys fantasize about it, but if you really think about it, we are just shooting ourselves in the foot here if we encourage it) I think if you want to go ahead with it, there are much better ways to do it. I am sure you must have heard about marriage of convenience? So why not just do that? Your families even if they knew will accept it because they’ll atleast be able to hold their heads up high in the society, and its almost always, always the pressure of the society that takes precedence in these cases, God always comes later.

  6. Zag: Not looking for advice, my friend. Just, sort of, putting it out there for support. So I appreciate your concern and advice, but it’s not what I’m after.

    Sin/Yakrib: The situation is such that keeping it under the hood is not really an option. For many reasons. Sin, I’ll send off an email soon.

    And thanks everyone for the support. It is much appreciated.

  7. i really admire that you are putting it out there, as much as i hate being a closet queer i can’t see myself ever telling my parents.

    “best of luck, we’re cheering for you” doesn’t sum all my thoughts and hopes towards you telling your parents very well but i hope you will understand the sentiment.

  8. “The value of a thing sometimes lies not in what one attains with it, but in what one pays for it – what it costs us.” – Nietzsche

    Being true to ourselves is perhaps the most difficult thing we as ‘queer’ individuals can do. Others simply don’t get what drives us to go ‘against the grain’ and at times seemingly defy logic.

    I do hope that you both are able to make your relationship work out. We all deserve some happiness in our lives.


  9. Good luck! The first bit seems to be the worst, in my experience. After 5 years of being out to evangelical Christian parents, it’s still not *comfortable*, but it’s liveable.

    Plus, I think the discomfort with being closeted increases over time, and exponentially when you have someone you love, so it balances out in the end :)

    Take care xx

  10. This is wild, but I was in the exact same situation you are, except I was the het male in the marriage with the bi girl. Or I thought she was bi (as she did too) when we got married, but she moved out of the house pretty soon after realizing she was gay instead. I didn’t take it too hard. It was just depressing having my wife run out on me! But anyways, I’m happily divorced now. I don’t know why I’m getting so creepily autobiographical, its just odd to meet someone else in Lahore dealing with a similar situation. You oughtta email me! Latah

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