Coming out again and again and again

I’m visitig family these days and my cousins, all of whom are younger, all have significant others. The youngest is 16 and he’s got a new girlfriend he’s terribly excited about. The oldest is 20 and has bee with the same guy for at least 4 years. All my cousins, despite my secret predictions, are straight (so far, anyway). And the whole famikly is really open to them being in relationships that are probaby quite physical.

I’ve been feeling awkward and strange since I got here because I can’t talk about Lovely to any of them. Not that I couldn’t come out to this side of the family: I could. But my mom doesn’t want me to because I’ll leave and then she’ll have to deal with making sure my aunt doesnt’ blab to my grandparents (who really can’t handle it and shouldn’t have to, I guess) and the low grade generica homophobia that is going to come from them. It wouldn’t be fair to my mom and it would be a huge family event and so, yeah, I shouldn’t tell them.

And yet. My aunt, my oldest cousin, her boyfriend and I went out for a late night dinnery snacky thing last night and my aunt asked me if I was being fixed up back home. I talked like it was completely normal and I talked about not having a boyriend and not wanting to get married any time soon (not exactly true, the marriage thing, but what can you say if you haven’t got a boy). In short, I acted totally straight and it didn’t even ruffle me, I didn’t even stumble over it. I just had a deep urge to say, well, I do have someone and she’s awesome. I had a deep urge to say, well, my father does try but the reason he’s being as weird as I’m describing to you is not because he’s old fashioned but because I came out to him and he wishes I wasn’t in a relationship with a woman. I wanted to say all these things and I was unable.

I suppose it’s easier. Or better. Or something. I feel like I’m betraying Lovely every time I hide our relationship from someone. Because, barring the most difficult, dangerous situations, she would want to be out. She is less out than she wants to be because of me.

Once upon a time, for a very short time, we were living abroad and we were out to everybody. And that was good. I didn’t understand a year ago when I finally made contact with some queer women in Lahore why they felt like it was so hellish to live there, even when they had some support, like we do. Now I’m sort of getting it. Maybe we should move.

Anyway. I wish I could tell my family. I think they’d take it in their stride. Weird stride, but still.

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3 thoughts on “Coming out again and again and again

  1. My great sympathies. The … crushing feeling of the closetedness is such an awful sensation. I hope you can find breathing space where you’re true to what you and Lovely need.

    You know, thing. I’m not expressing myself well.

  2. Hi I just read this and it honestly surprises me, I’m a mixed Christian Lesbian from the U.S. and your situation sounds EXACTLY like mine, although my younger cousins know (I’m 20). But I feel your pain, and all the other lesbians (or bisexuals) in other countries that are having the same problem, My parents HATE it, (I didn’t tell them they found out) and every time were out my mom is like, look at that guy over there, he’s cute you should marry him and make us and GOD happy… yeaa and about hiding my girlfriend and acting straight, its horrible, and atleast in America I think its worse for femmes because they think we can switch.. umm no.. but I want to say thank you for this blog for all lesbians =] I actually found it searching for Muslim Lesbians, because although I live in a highly Muslim populated area, I’d never heard of a gay or lesbian Muslim.. Best Wishes, Angel

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