Fear volume 1 issue 2

Once again, it’s been nearly a month since I’ve written anything. Last time I wrote, it was about feeling like a crappy partner because I like to be alone sometimes, or because I just feel like a crappy partner. Now, I’m feeling very homesick and horrendous, so there is more whining afoot. Consider yourself warned.

I’m finding it difficult, also, to deal with negative feedback I get on this blog. There isn’t much. And it’s not overt. But there is the questioning of my life and decisions, occasionally, that makes me uncomfortable. Not because the questions shouldn’t arise, but because sometimes I wonder if I’m cut out for answering those questions. Questions such as

  • why are you whining about a relationship  when you went through so much to get it, and so did she?
  • how i read it: you broke up a het marriage, you ingrate, how dare you be anything but blissful after doing something so despicable.

This reading is my problem. It’s not what is said that I’m quarreling with here. It’s how I’m reading it. I must still feel guilty. Even though I haven’t go reason to, intellectually. I have no reason to because you can’t break up a marriage you’re not in. Lovely did that. Lovely wanted to do that.

But I feel the need to make a public defense of it because this is Pakistan and in Pakistan women should’t end marriages. Women should be grateful that someone married them in the first place.

That is also subtext. I live a very privileged life. I’m out to my friends. I’m comfortable in my sexuality.  God is kind to me. In my life, there is no overt demand on me for a) marriage to a man, b) gratitude for the attentions of a man, or c) harassment on becoming an ‘old maid’ no one will marry.   But my father wants grandchildren and a straight daughter from which they issue, and my partner’s family wants her not to live like a married person with another woman. If she does, she’ll bring shame. No one will marry her siblings. We’ll be stoned to death. Ad nauseum. Ad infinitum. Soon my father will add to this  a mix of difficulties that I can’t even predict yet. And I’m afraid of that. So, by extension, every bit of feedback that isn’t utterly supportive and woman-loving flowery yayful stuff makes me feel like dying.

That is entirely my problem. But I wish there was a way to get past it with other people. I mean, other than just me and Lovely and this blog. I wish there was some way to form a community around it so it didn’t just always feel like the hysterical edge of an abyss of badness.

There. Enough whine for you?

The purpose of this blog has been to out some struggles without outing me in a context where me being too out will not benefit me even a little. Outing the struggles serves only one purpose – finding people to engage them and so, make it easier for gay people to be gay in Pakistan.

5 thoughts on “Fear volume 1 issue 2

  1. I think you’re enourmously brave. Being enormously brave and also a bit lucky (having some support for yourself) doesn’t mean there are never problems, fears, complications. Good luck.

  2. i’m oversensitive too certain areas of criticism too. and i wish i could ‘just get over it’. i spend so much time/energy stress worrying over negative feedback that plays on my insecurities/fears, even when it’s only like 10% of the feedback i receive.

  3. Just read this one….and am..

    One Hundred % supportive…

    “You cant break a marriage you are not in”

    Woman! If you are this clear-headed and logical even when down, surely you realize that guilt is like ..the biggest fucker? Stay as far away from it as possible kiddo.

    Do it for the people who’ll take strength from you and as a salve for those who’s lives were mangled by being gay in Pakistan.

  4. hmm. i admire alot of things in you only because i can see a lot of myself in you / in your writtings. but im probably a little too early to face all those problems (17 years old) …. plus. i read somewhere that you were living in lahore….
    umm. if this isnt too obnoxious for u …. can we meet sometime. i would like to clear a lot of my issues with someone who really gets it…. nothing out of line … haha.. promise ! =)

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