Safaee Pesh Karna

Many things have happened in the past months that have caused me to pause and wonder about writing in public. Also, some major live events have caused me to take a break because I have other, more pressing concerns.

But I realized today as Lovely and I were having dinner with a fantastic lesbian couple we met recently, that at some point I will have to explain some things, in public or in private, to some people. Please forgive how cryptic this is – I’m a private person, in some ways, and I like talking about issues in public, but I don’t, as such, like talking about my life in public. The issues might be relevant in a public sort of space – I don’t know that individual details in my life are relevant. Anyway. I was talking about explanation.

The entire process of loving a woman who was in a straight relationship and having that love catalyze a change in her status – these are things that have drawn recrimination. Lovely’s relationship with me might have started out as a dalliance; now we’re long-term exclusive monogamous partners.  And all the people around us that were affected by our decision to be together have grievances, some legitimate and some not, against us.

But some of us are more discrete than others, and some more forgiving. I am not forgiving, as such, but I am discrete where I need to be.  Others are not. As a result, Lovely and I have gone through some shit, and will go through more. And some of that shit is about who will take sides with whom. I personally don’t believe that Lovely should eschew anyone I have a problem with, or vice versa. Other people have different ideas about loyalty. And so we come to the situation I find myself in now.

I love a woman who used to be married. She is no longer married. She and I are together.

I make no apology for these simple facts, though I am sorry about certain things that have happened, certain hurt feelings that have occurred.

My partner was in a marriage that was very bad for her. She left that marriage honourably. Now both she and I are being painted as villains in the lives of people who made adult decisions and now refuse to take responsibility.

I require no apology for any of this. I wish it would stop. I wish people would take responsibility for their own part in a bad situation. I wish her husband would. I know her family does. I wish some of our friends would.

But people speak ill of each other. And people like to gossip. This is Pakistan. It happens. I am not particularly interested in explaining myself apologetically to anyone. I think that, on balance, if everyone takes responsibility for their own part, the discomfort and unhappiness left in the middle can be attributed to chance and circumstance. Shit happens. You live the best life you can.

Since the day-to-day drama and trauma of living toghether and coming out to her family has stopped, Lovely and I have been focusing on the future, and the happiness of the present. Today, friends asked us how we met, what went on, how we felt. And we couldn’t stop talking. Now that we’re home, Lovely has turned to me and said, “We’ve been keeping this in so long. We don’t talk about it. The more we talk, the sooner we’ll get over it.” And that’s really true. That’s why I haven’t written here in a while. One out of ten comments questions me and us, and I couldn’t handle that for a little bit. When you get questioned daily in your real life, your online existence needs to be rosier.

But I think I’m back now. A lot of stuff has happened. If you have questions or challenges, please remember to be kind.

10 thoughts on “Safaee Pesh Karna

  1. Wow, I get the shivers only imagining how hard this must have been for both of you. Yes, thank you for helping the world to change, and thank you also for sharing it online for other people to take inspiration from.

  2. It’s good to have you back and I’m glad things between you and your partner are good. The shit you get from other people – well, that’s something of an unfortunate given, as you say. If you do something even slightly left of centre, people tend to think they have the right to question you. I hope people here are indeed kinder.
    Being online and on another continent and all, it feels somewhat hollow to say that I’m ‘on your side’ etc., but, for whatever it’s worth, I am.
    And I agree with ‘me’ too. :)

  3. Hi. THis is my first visit here and I just wanted to say I feel for you. I know how much people will talk about those that are, as we say in India, ‘zara hatke’- a little off centre from the norm and all relationships that are not conventional. It’s tough but the only way out is live through it. So, keep the faith. The most important thing is of course that you two found each other, in whatever way. DOn’t let anyone else tell you that it isn’t worth it.

  4. Sorry – I’m not demanding that you write or anything but your silence gets a bit unnerving given your location and sitch. Hope all is well.

  5. I, for one, am happy your partner got out of a bad marriage and found love. I can’t even imagine the frustration. People gossip for the sake of gossiping over here. Good luck! I sincerely hope things work out for the best for you.

    In solidarity.

  6. I feel for you and I think you’re extraordinary.

    Pakistan being what it is, people do talk without tact and spread venomous derision regarding others. I have yet to find an antidote to this, I try to ignore it and it works : or at least I hope it does. :-\

    I wish you the best.

  7. I am glad that you and your partner are moving forward. Gossip and ill-intentioned words can be so harmful. Alot of times when people say things to me that are harmful, I try not to take the words in, to watch them bounce off me like a ball. I tell myself that their words are more about their issues than mine. The part that I worry about with you and your partner is if you are safe. I do not live in Pakistan and only know about how lesbians are treated there through your blog. Take care of yourselves and know that others all over the world are thinking about you.

  8. hey, just wanted to say that I love reading your blog! I hope you don’t mind, but I posted an except from your entry on my blog, queeristan…

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