Bisexuality Blues

My girlfriend, from far across the land, asked me yesterday if I thought that femme women in Pakistan were lesbian for a transitory time before marrying a guy and turning straight again.

Now, the thing is that I’m PMSing big time. So I’m mildly homicidal. And, to be honest, I don’t like anyone when I’m in that mood. So I was having a great deal of trouble communicating civilly as it is when this question was flung at me and I got sort of pissed about it.

But what was difficult about the question for me was this:

  1. women who are femme are less devoted to their queerness
  2. women who are bi are less devoted to their queerness (perhaps a leap there, but I’m a bi chick pmsing)
  3. she’s not femme!
  4. it’s a choice based on anything besides surviving to live a tolerable, abuse-free life.

One of my best friends, when I was lamenting about this to him, asked me if that wasn’t an old chestnut – the thing about bisexuality and copping out being linked so closely together. But I’ve never experienced it as something that is dying a natural death. It’s always been fairly live in my life – either as a form of self-loathing or as something that comes from outside and usually as a combination thereof. It doesn’t matter where you are; it’s lesbian or bust, at least in your philosophy.

So I finally decided to fuck that shit. And I did so with my usual sudden righteous indignation. I haven’t really unleashed it anywhere (and I don’t call this unleashing because I’m not using enough of the word ‘fuck’ for it to qualify) but it’s coming. Because a lot of things become easy for a lot of queer people and easy is good. Easy is better than misery, torment and a recurring desire to kill yourself. And there is no ease in bi-ness: just because you could fuck a man doesn’t mean there is a man out there you want to fuck and, if there is, it doesn’t mean you stop wanting to fuck women and, when you do, that desire and consequent action is no less deviant. As my Chasing Amy lifestyle will attest, it’s a barrel of angry monkeys on acid instead.

7 thoughts on “Bisexuality Blues

  1. I came across an article about some research that had been conducted recently on genetic markers and such for homosexuality. They found a few bits and pieces, but what was interesting about the article was the finding that while men *are* hardwired towards one sex or the other, the sameapparently isn’t true for women. With women, it’s more a matter of preference, and neither is more ‘normal’ than the other seemed to be conclusion. (Which does not mean that women can’t be exclusively heterosexual or homosexual – just that women’s sexuality is perhaps more fluid than men’s.)

    I like this because I don’t like the either-or approach to sex. I like people. What sex they are is secondary and really doesn’t bother me much.

    Where this relates to your question is that it may help explain why most Pakistani lesbians and bisexual women who are forced, one way or another, into a heterosexual marriage, end up making a go of it. That doesn’t account for the ones who are brutalized in the process, of course. I don’t think anything does. I also don’t think it means they don’t have to ‘give up’ an important aspect of who they are. Just that this may ease it. Small comfort, but it’s helped me not feel completely sick when I think of my married gay friends.

  2. For what it’s worth, the gay male thing isn’t so hot here either :-) And I suspect that the reason people consider bisexuality–at least in the Pakistani context–a cop-out is because so many queers of either gender in this country like to be able to take refuge in some variant of “normalcy”, or to advertise themselves as such. It’s an escape clause for the guy who wants to suck dick, but has been socialised into heteronormative behaviour and a bit of a coping mechanism in some ways. But I agree with you–it sure as hell isn’t easy. I have trouble managing my lust for one sex, how I’d manage double-horny-monkeyness is beyond me.

  3. >Easy is better than misery, torment and a recurring desire to kill yourself.>

    There is that.

    Hey, Summer, if you get a chance, can you drop me a line at bel4 AT earthlink DOT net? cheers

  4. it’s official. your blog is my new favorite.

    forget PMSing, you hit the nose on the femme-less-queer thing. i don’t identify as a femme but like you, can directly correlate it to being bi (and that’s why i prefer to go by queer and let people assume whatever they think that means).

    i think it’s not only the queer community invalidating us and us sometimes invalidating ourselves, but when you see a lot of bisexual women who don’t identify as as queer or with a larger group of oppressed people (is it really that bad to assume all queer women, particularly wocs, should at least identify with some feminist ideology?) and who are fine to partake in heteronormative privilege. that’s what can be frusterating. when i do see a bisexual person who identifies with the queer community and not just on an individual libertarian level, i’m so excited. hence happiness over your blog.

    but maybe saying that is sentiment outloud goes against everything i believe? who knows.

  5. I’m a 19 year old Lahori girl who just found your blog via this post.I found your posts very helpful and it has given me a lot of courage to learn that there are Pakistani women from Muslim backgrounds who are bisexual.I wish my family were as openminded though,but they DEFINE conservative middle class through and through.And I can’t even talk about this to my friends.The straight ones disapprove of homosexuality,and the gay ones disapprove of heterosexuality.So,thank you.You just made my life a tiny bit better!

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