Anonymity’s a Bitch

I’m an integrated sort of person. I like everything to be related to everything else. I don’t like to snip bits and pieces of information, or curb things, in order to make them acceptable to others. But unfortunately if you’re not anonymous, you’re making frandship left, right and centre.

You see, I’m not really fond of fear, but fear is what drives a lot of this. It’s a dumb country and you have to live a dumb life.

My girlfriend’s hanging out right now with someone I’d really like to a) meet and b) be networked with. She seems like a really interesting person who is either queer or knows a lot about queer-ness. I would really, really, really like to be totally out. Not in a flag-waving, militant way. Just comfortable. So that I wouldn’t have to have multiple identities.

I guess this is the opposite of my thing on internalized homophobia. A desire to hide versus a desire to show show show.

3 thoughts on “Anonymity’s a Bitch

  1. i hear that… i still live with my family as is custom and sometimes i find myself almost leaving clues around for them, even though i know that it would have horrible, stacey-living-on-the-streets consquences.

  2. Yeah, I’ve been feeling some of that myself of late. I feel like an asshole even saying that, because while I’m totally closeted now while living in Lahore, I’m 100% out at home in California. So for me part of the tension is the contrast, but someday–in a year or two–I’ll go home and be out again. So, sorry to whine.

    Even so, having to perform this identity of vague heterosexuality for my boss/colleagues/friends/roommate is starting to take its toll. I lose track of when I can be “safely” out (on-line to friends from home) and when I can’t. It pisses me off that my roommate can have her boyfriend over and at least be an “out heterosexual” in our home (he’s a secret from our colleagues and her family), but I can’t even tell her I’m a lesbian. I’ve heard what she thinks of lesbians–plus we work at the same place and I don’t want the news all over the staff room.

    It is very isolating and makes me feel–stiff and fake and disjointed in my own skin.

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