Internalized Homophobia, Here I Come

I’ve managed to upset myself lately, with that last post and my life in general, so I’m going to riff on the notion of comfort and bisexuality for a bit.

I came out to myself when I was 19 and I was sure then that I was bisexual and not a lesbian. I was sure because I remembered being very attracted to the only boyfriend I’d had until then, as well as a host of other boys in my life. There wasn’t an issue about it in my life until a bit later – when I came out, I was bi, and this was good.

A few, rare times in my life I’ve wondered if maybe I’m not bi at all, maybe I’m just plain gay. This has been when sex with men has turned sour and boring and unpleasant, which has happened a few times in recent years. It’s been a combination of knowing, at this late, dirty stage of my life (late 20s) that not all men are as wonderful in bed as my first male lover was. That they are not all aware of how to please a woman. That, in fact, many straight want to get it in and get it out again. I’ve been bored by these men.

But sex isn’t really at the core of the issue. Of if it is, then the issue is a dual core thing. Because falling in love with men is just easy as falling in love with women, and it’s not the puppy love, sibling love, friend love that I’m talking about. It could be. Probably it is for someone who is oriented just the one way primarily. But it’s love love, romantic, sexy, let’s-move-in-and-cause-babies love.

I said in my last post that my image of myself in the future is me in a striaght relationshp, a marriage (ugh!) with a man, that would cause children to emerge from my own body. But I realized something there. There’s a level at which all of my issues these days are a manifestation of internalized homophobia.

My girlfriend and I were talking about a recent meltdown I had in which we went over the entire basis and premise of our relationship. And it turns out that I honestly don’t think a lesbian relationship is viable. Inherently. What a cunt I am, eh?

And then we discovered something else interesting: I’ve never been in a lesbian relationship before. I’ve fallen for women, I’ve been madly in love and pursued women. I’ve been in a “relationship” in which she and I spent next to no time together and didn’t have to do any of the things you do in a relationship. Specifically, I’ve never had occasion to contemplate the future with a woman as a partner.

Yargh.

Because now I’m in a situation where the future is bleak. And that sucks. It’s no wonder I cry pitifully once a week about what’s going on with us. I’m 27, this is my first lesbian relationship and, barring a miracle, it’s doomed to failure. Great stuff!

So yeah. I would rather be straight. Because it sucks to live this life. Sometimes. And I’m told that’s a symptom of internalized homophobia and, if it is, well, that’s what I got.

But if sometimes you wish you were striaght, and most of the time you’re willingly in a gay relationship, how homophobic are you really?

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4 thoughts on “Internalized Homophobia, Here I Come

  1. You’re not homophobic. At all. I’m probably the gayest gay man to ever nancy on down the pike, and I don’t think there’s a single week in which I don’t wish at least once that I had been born straight.

    Now I’m not in a relationship, so maybe I’m more of a self-loather than you are. But I also have days when I wouldn’t give up who I am for anything, and I really mean that.

    It all balances out in the end.

  2. i don’t think it’s about being homophobic.. but i think it is homophobia that causes queer people to wish they were straight. a wish that’s about wishing life was easier… wishing one could be accepted and have all those privileges straight people do (and take forgranted)… and knowing you’re in an environment where that’s currently impossible.

    >hugs<

    -a.

  3. I think it’s an oxymoron to be homophobic and be in a lesbian relationship. I also want to say that I just discovered you blog and I love your honesty. I’m going to become an avid reader.

  4. couldnt it just be that you’re horny and you’re exhausting all available options?
    most of us bi people are so, in my humble, impolite but frank opinion

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