When I was 15 or 16 years old, I had a falling-apart relationship with a boy who wasn’t at my school, a really close best friend whom I adored, a crush on another boy who’s now a good friend, and a (now very occasional) sex-buddy who was a girl.
Quite possibly at this time it was a toss-up who was more important to me – my boyfriend or this best friend of mine. He was waning and she was waxing, and I definitely worshipped at the altar of her. Still do, to some extent.
She was utterly straight and very homophobic. (She’s stopped with the homophobia now.) She used to say that these two sisters who were a year behind us were fans of my various studenty activity because at least one was a total lesbian. She had a crush on me like I wouldn’t believe, said my best friend. I said, heh, um, heh, no, why would she even know she’s, i mean, it’s scary IimagineIdon’treallyknow you know to say um heh really?
At school, there was also a couple, classic butch-femme dichotomy, who flaunted their lesbianness and didn’t give a fuck about anyone. Someone said (I think it was Boy I had Crush On) that they’d ben seen in the back, making out; and someone else said they’d been seen having sex; and someone else said; and someone else said.
I talked such trash about those girls. I would roll my eyes along with everyone else, laugh at all the disgusting jokes, the whole nine yards. My heart slammed in my chest every time they came up in conversation, or walked by when we were all sitting together.
It’s no fun pretending you’re not something you are, and it makes you act like an abominable shithead.
5 responses so far ↓
Zag // March 20, 2009 at 10:07 am |
Which school did you go to????? :P
F. // March 23, 2009 at 11:33 am |
I was never homophobic.I was also never popular.I was the shy,strange girl who was always alone.And though they called me sweet,when no-one else was around,it never stopped the boys and girls–especially girls–of my school from picking on me.People are so weird…
preeti // May 5, 2009 at 11:56 am |
Hi, accidentally I stumbled upon your blog. There was this movie ‘Darmiyaan’ , which was going on TV, and it touched my heart. So I was checking out the third gender issues in Google.
I don’t know what is ‘normal’ and what’s considered ‘abnormal’ in our society. Just because we ’straight’ people are in majority, we can not close our eyes, to those who have different sexual orientation. Media is also responsible to some extent for the comical characterization of the third gender in movies.
You’ve mentioned above that, you wish you can tell your family, I think that’s the most difficult part. In the Asian society, a female is considered as the weaker sex, and she has little control over her sexuality. Also, families will have a tough time accepting the fact. Parents of a girl who is of marriageable age, will have more worries, when nosy relatives and friends raise the issue of marriage. I hope you find happiness in your life.
ochrequeer // May 24, 2009 at 3:35 am |
These things happen. It’s part of the way in which we develop a real sense of our own identities. This is not to say that it’s a particularly nice thing to do, but I think it’s one of those reactions you have out of fear, jealousy, envy and resentment; none of those feelings have ever really produced anything positive.
The fact that you acknowledge your behaviour is, quite frankly, admirable. Better to admit it, than to pretend that one never behaved that way.
anon // July 7, 2009 at 4:57 am |
you make me so happy to be a pakistani.
love your blog