Sometimes I suck at being in a relationship. Or having a partner. Or being one. Especially being one. Sometimes I suck at spending time with any person while at the same moment sucking at being alone. Sometimes I’m a miserable bastard. Sometimes I’m needy. Sometimes I’m angry for no reasons. Sometimes I’m all the colours of the dykorific rainbow in one.
It sounds like the I’m a bitch I’m a lover song by that horrible woman. Well. Maybe. My mom IMed me today and said, “You know, you haven’t told me what it’s like for you to be part of a couple.” And I thought, yeah. Well. I’m not good at it, am I? It’s not something I sing songs about.
It’s not about love. I love her to death. And it’s not about her at all. I’m 28 and I’ve been alone most of my life. Not a bad kind of alone, the kind of alone about which one goes “aw” or “fuck, what a whiner”. Just normal aloneness. Some people have a million people in their lives all the time. Some people don’t. I didn’t. So the day-to-day of partnership is weird. And I’m bad at it.
I don’t know why I feel like I need to blog abut it. Or that anyone will be interested. It’s not about The Struggle or anything. I’m not being especially interesting as the Pakistani Muslim dyke today. I’m just, you know, me. Like this only.
I should talk about sex, maybe. That’s always entertaining.
Nah.
7 responses so far ↓
Zag // March 9, 2008 at 8:13 pm |
Hmmm…. so your parnter is someone who was married before she got a divorce for you, took up shit from her family and now you are saying you suck at being in a relationship?
Man, i sure don’t wish to be in her shoes right now, thinking I jumped from one and got into another………….
Summer // March 13, 2008 at 10:14 am |
No. I merely meant that my partner is much cooler than I am and deserves someone far better. But it’s me she’s stuck with because I love her to death.
Ravenmn // March 13, 2008 at 11:53 am |
I remember that. Even though I’ve got 25 years in with my partner, there’s still a bit of rough going now and then. But in the beginning? Yeah. Lots of wtf moments. Lots of fail. Lots of learning going on.
I think of it like going from being catless to owning a couple or more cats. Before Cats, seeing odd shadows dart about on the peripheral of my vision would send me up the walls in fear. WTF WAS THAT???
Now, even when I’m not a home, hearing strange footsteps and noises, seeing shadowy figures darting about — perfectly normal.
It takes practice. It’s not particularly easy or normal. I’m glad I hung in there. I hope you can, too.
Daisy // March 13, 2008 at 4:57 pm |
What Raven said…
Also: Always be as honest as you are now–that will carry you through! :)
W // March 16, 2008 at 9:19 am |
This is normal…I feel like this a lot, though I’ve never been in a relationship, I do have enough knowledge to know they are complicated things and they mess with your head, even if things are going well (or wonderful).
It appears to me that you’re second guessing yourself too much. I know its easier said then done , but you’ve got to ignore those annoying voices, or deal with them and just enjoy the present time with your partner. I’m sure she reciprocates the way you feel for her.. :)
Take Care
a // March 22, 2008 at 3:29 pm |
Sounds like you’re being kind of hard on yourself. everyone sucks it being in relationship sometimes. I think it’s especially hard if you haven’t had a lot of experience, could you don’t know what is you being freaky and what is a normal part of the beginning of a relationship/living with someone. I often have a hard time when the relationship get serious (or when I move in with someone) balancing my need for time/space for myself and the desire to be with my partner a lot of the time…. especially when I have a partner that doesn’t need equal amounts of solitude. Sometimes I act funky and take things out of my partner that s/he doesn’t deserve, in the process of trying to figure out what I really need… I think we all do from time to time.
And you’re being a perfectly interesting Pakistani Muslim dyke :)! after all some things are just mundane and universal across a lot of identities, and I think it’s worth talking about that stuff as well as the capital D differences.
Ochre // March 23, 2008 at 6:44 pm |
I have a feeling that you and I will have to talk in a while. Simply because the way things are working out with Curfew Boy, I may find myself coming to Lahore a lot more, and I’m in a similar situation (what with the being alone).
Quite frankly, I’m worried that I’ve got the emotional/romantic/partner maturity of a three-year-old. We should talk. I’ll bring the Bombay.